A tale my Dad wrote about bathing me the other night!

Oscar is almost crawling now so that's a pretty fun thing. Tonight he managed to crap on me and he also puked on me for good measure, I love him, he's so like me!

I admit it wasn't as straight up as Oscar just poo'd all over me. Our neighbors have gone to Fiji to experience a coup first hand (which is weird cos they are both in marketing and they took their 6 month old son as well) and told us that if we wanted to we could let ourselves in and use the bath at their house (We only have a shower and to use it you have to stand in the toilet, its so f***ing cramped).

So we take advantage of this very generous offer and there we are in the bath, thinking f**k this is great, like in a hotel or whatever. Me, Fiona and Oscar making happy noises, splish, splash and suddenly there are these cute little bubbles and I'm like "That wasn't me, that was Oscar" and Fiona is like totally eyeballing me as a heartless bastard blaming a little lad like that and suddenly I'm like "hope he didn't follow through".

So we had a look and there wasn't anything, and we breathed a sigh of relief. Then Fiona got out of the bath and it all went swirling past me like f**king jaws, yuck! BOMP BOMP BOMP BOMP.

Fortunately from my time in Scotland living with "fat bastard charlie (1)" I know to just squish it all down the plug hole and think of England. So I squishes it but then I shift a little and this totally massive and somewhat flattened coffee bomb flats past. Some how I'd sat on it... So I squished that down the plughole as well and then had a shower.

(1) I lived with Fat bastard Charlie in Glasgow back in the early 90's. He wasa mad assed artist who made these collages and montages which were pretty cool. Unfortunatly for me Fat bastard charlie was so fat that he couldn't fit his ass on a toilet seat. He couldn't reach his asshole to wipe either.

Because of this disability of his he used to crap in the shower every morning and often he would attempt to squish it down the plug hole unduccesfully. Unsuccessfully because he couldn't see it below all the protruding flabber, and would often leave a choco surprise for me. He was such a fat f**k that he couldn't fit into overalls but had to cut them down the sides, then he had to safety pin them back together. So theres me, trying to have a (normally cold) shower (in the middle of Glasgow winter) with a f**king chowder under foot, every morning!